Juzijuzi nilimtebelea rafiki yangu ambaye anajitahidi kuishi kama wale
anaowaona kwenye Luninga, sasa yeye ana kavulana kake kako nasari, nako
anakalea kama vile vitoto vya kwenye Luninga, mwenyewe anakaita junia sijui
junia ndio hivyo hivyo, na kwa vile kule nasari kamejifunza kutamka Dadi and
Mami badala ya baba na mama, jamaa yangu anajiona mjaaaanja, basi Kabwamdogo
hako hakakaripiwi wala kukatazwa chochote.
Nilipata
taarifa kuna siku kalimvua baba yake taulo alipokuwa katoka bafuni tena mbele
za watu, jamaa akaishia kusema tu, "No Junia no...! is bad!? Na kucheka
cheka huku akisifu, "Tatizo la huyu mtoto ni ana akili za kikubwa? Ene wei
siku hiyo jamaa akanikaribisha kwake, basi kwa kweli ilikuwa kero, mara Junia
kaleta mpira anaupiga mbele yetu anaangusha vitu, anatupiga usoni na mpira
anaangaliwa tu, "Junia no!", anapanda meza mara kabati, jamaa yangu
na mke wake utadhani wamelogwa, wanakenua tu meno, "No Junia no" Mara
mbili hivi kakaniparamia na kutaka kunivua miwani yangu, 'Kwa ustaarabu wa
nyumba ile na mie nikatoa ya kinafiki, 'No Junia no'.
Bahati
nzuri mama Junia akaingia jikoni, Baba Junia akaenda chumbani kidogo, sebuleni
tukabaki mimi na hiki kidude kisichokuwa na chembe ya adabu. Si kikaanza
vimaswali vya maudhi...! "Leo umekuja kula kwetu?" "Kwenu mna
TV? Babako anakuleteaga chokoleti?" Kikawa mara kivunje kikombe mara
glasi, mama yake anapiga kelele toka jikoni, "Junia yu a veri bed".
Sasa chenyewe si kikakosea kikanipanda kichwani na kuanza kunivuta nywele
nikaona sasa hii zereu.
Basi
nilikishika mkono nikakitolea macho na kukifinya vizuri mgogongoni. Kwanza
kilitoa macho kama kinataka kufa, kikaniangalia hakiamini akili yake kuwa
kimefinywa na binadamu aliye hai, na mie nikakiambia kwa sauti ya chinichin...
"We Junya ukinisogelea tena nakukata masikio kabisa".
Eeh
bwana we kilitimka mle sebuleni mkojo unakitirirka kikaelekea jikoni. Kufika
huko nilitegemea kianze kulia kwa nguvu, kikawa kimya. Mama yake anakiuliza
"Junia umefanya nini tena baba?" kimya "Junia what has
happened?" kimya, mama yake akaja huku chenyewe kimejificha nyuma ya gauni
la mamake, "Huyu kafanya nini?" Nikajibu kwa sauti ya mtu asiye na
dhambi kabisa... "Wala sijui nimeona tu katimka hapa kaja huko".
Baada
ya hapo kukawa na displin mle ndani tukala na kuzungumza bila fujo. Baba Junia
kila mara akimwangalia mwanae na kumuuliza, "Junia a yu sik?
Unaumwa?" Junia akinitupia jicho mwenyewe alikuwa ananyamaza anajua kuna
kukatwa masikio.
Wengine
hatuangaliagi Luninga ohooo!
Jamaa mmoja kakodi taxi akiwa anatembea katika jiji mara
akapita kipenda cha gest
Moja akamuona mkewe akiingia ndani ya gest.
Jamaa akamwambia dereva simama, jee..? Unataka laki tatu za
chap chap..?
Dereva akajibu ndio, Jamaa akamwambia nenda mle gest kamtoe
mke wangu picha yake hii hapa
Tena uwe unampiga, mateke, vichwa, makofi mpaka ufike nae
hapa
Dereva akaingia gest ile kutoka anakuja na mwanamke
mwingine na kichapo kinaendelea.
Jamaa
Kaduwaa na kusema we vipi mbona huyu sio yeye..?
Dereva akajibu huyu mke wangu, Subiri nitakwenda kumtoa na
wa kwako pia...!
`
A man was
shocked to see his beautiful divorced neighbor knocking on his door one Friday
evening.
. "I'm
feeling so lonely that I can't stand it." she said.
"I want
to go out, get drunk & want to enjoy my life. Are you free tonight?"
"Yes!"
he replied enthusiastically.
"Wonderful."
she said.
"Then
please take care of my kids..
Jamaa mmoja kakodi taxi akiwa anatembea katika jiji mara
akapita kipenda cha gest
Moja akamuona mkewe akiingia ndani ya gest.
Jamaa akamwambia dereva simama, jee..? Unataka laki tatu za
chap chap..?
Dereva akajibu ndio, Jamaa akamwambia nenda mle gest kamtoe
mke wangu picha yake hii hapa
Tena uwe unampiga, mateke, vichwa, makofi mpaka ufike nae
hapa
Dereva akaingia gest ile kutoka anakuja na mwanamke
mwingine na kichapo kinaendelea.
Jamaa
Kaduwaa na kusema we vipi mbona huyu sio yeye..?
Dereva akajibu huyu mke wangu, Subiri nitakwenda kumtoa na
wa kwako pia...!
`
A man was
shocked to see his beautiful divorced neighbor knocking on his door one Friday
evening.
. "I'm
feeling so lonely that I can't stand it." she said.
"I want
to go out, get drunk & want to enjoy my life. Are you free tonight?"
"Yes!"
he replied enthusiastically.
"Wonderful."
she said.
"Then
please take care of my kids..
KIJANA NA MAENDELEO
kwa nini asilimia kubwa ya vijana tunashindwa kuwa na uwezo wa kujitegemea kuanzia umri wa miaka 24???,na je nini kifanyike kuweza kutatua hili tatizo???
Habari ya saizi wananchi
wenzangu.Mimi ni mwanaume nina miaka 27 ni mkazi wa arusha,mnamo mwaka 2011
nilikutana na msichana (Ambaye ndio mchumba wangu),ilipofika mwaka 2013
tukabahatika kupata mtoto wa kiume.Sasa wazazi wa mwanamke hawataki mimi niishi
na mtoto wao kwa sababu ya tofauti zetu za kidini,na mchumba wangu yeye anasema
yuko tayari hata kubadili dini kwa ajiri yangu tatizo ni wazazi wake,na inafika
mahali ndgu zake wananiombea mabaya ilimradi niachane na mtoto wao,sasa
nimekuja kwenye ukurasa huu wa ushauri wako kuomba msaada wa mawazo mana
imeshakuwa tatizo.
Babu alikuwa anaongea na wajukuu zake na mazungumzo yao yalikuwa kama ifuatavyo
Babu:Kabla ya siku 3 vita vya dunia kuisha mimi pamoja na rafiki zangu tulitekwa na maadui zetu,nusu yetu waliuawa na nusu waliobaki wakabakwa
Mjukuu: Sasa babu wewe walikufanya nin?
Babu;Mmmmmh...aah..et...nilikuwa kwenye kundi la wale waliouawa
Babu:Kabla ya siku 3 vita vya dunia kuisha mimi pamoja na rafiki zangu tulitekwa na maadui zetu,nusu yetu waliuawa na nusu waliobaki wakabakwa
Mjukuu: Sasa babu wewe walikufanya nin?
Babu;Mmmmmh...aah..et...nilikuwa kwenye kundi la wale waliouawa
*When you
dating an educated and civilized woman who has class and ambition, you get
texts such as these:*
1. Morning
Dear, Hope you had a wonderful night. How are you today? Wake up get ready for
work. Dont forget to send your application for the job I told you about
yesterday.
2. Yes
Darling, I miss you so much, i hope you're enjoying your day, I am heading out
for lunch. Talk later. Take care of yourself. Love you!
3.Yes dear I
am at the shop doing grocery for the house, next time I am coming with you.
4.Dont put
yourself under pressure my love, i know you will achieve your goal, you have my
full support.
*THEN THOSE
WITH JUST A BIRTH CERTIFICATE*
1. Morning
babe, send me some airtime, plz bae.
2. Hello
sweet babez I am coming over for some pizza over lunch? And someone is selling
nice perfumes can I take one plz. Luv u xoxoxo much.
3. Hey
handsome, buy me data plz. Also wanted to tell you my neighbor is selling
skinny jeans, nice shoes from USA and brazilian hair. You will let me know when
you are ready to get me these. Loving u lots.
4.Me and my
friends want to go to Cafe javas for drinks, I need some money.
5.baby I
don't feel like reading, can we chat pliiiizz.
MARRIAGE AND
BRIDE PRICE ACT No123 of 2016
Pride price
must be Tzs 700,000 with the following
deductions.
Not educated
- Tzs100,000
Not a virgin
- Tzs 250,000
Comes with
kids - Tzs 80,000 � (number of kids)
Can't clean
- Tzs 80,000
Can't cook -
Tzs 50,000
Unemployed -
Tzs 70,000
Lazy - Tzs
50,000
Drunkard -
Tzs 70,000
Artificial
skin colour -Tzs 50,000
Artificial
Bottom - Tzs 50,00
Artificial
breast - Tzs 50,000
If the total
comes to a negative amount, then
they must
pay you for taking their burden...
No
stories...
madem wa siku hizi
Unapewa
number na dem alaf
anakuambia
uwe unampigia saa 6 pekee,
unashindwa kuelewa na unajiuliza ni kwanini? kidogo kidogo
ukichunguza
na unagundua amekusave
"alarm".......
Hahaha lugha ya mzungu
MKE: Mme wangu, hivi kumvalisha nepi
mtoto kwa kingereza wanasemaje?
MME: Duh kweli nimeoa mke kilaza,
unashindwa hata hio?
Mke: Jamani basi mwenzangu kipanga
unaejua ngeli niambie.
MME:
Yani unashindwa kusema "KIDNAPPING"
Tcra -Tanzania
Baada ya mke
kumtafuta mumuwe kwenye cm tangu jana usiku hapatikani akamua akirudi amuwekee
mnuno.
Baada mume
kuingia:
Mume: Baby
mambo vipi?
Mke: Kimya
??
Mume:
Nmekumisije.
Mke: Kimya
??
Mume:
Chakula vipi?
Mke: Kimya
??
Mume: Uko
sawa kweli?
Mke: Kimya
??
Baada ya
kuona hakuna jibu akaanza akashika kichwa, "TCRA sasa huku mmefika mbali
mmezima simu yangu tangu jana mmeona haitoshi naona mmeamua kumzima hadi mke
wangu?"
Mke ilibidi
aangue kicheko tu
WANAUME TUSHIRIKI KATIKA SALA HII DHIDI YA WANAWAKE!
1. Atakua na simu yake mpo nyumbani dakika hiyo anakwambia umbip hajui kaiweka wapi.
Tuhurumie Baba
2. Ana Nguo zimejaa makabati mawili lakini hajui avae nini ukimwambia mtoke.!
Baba, ni magumu kwetu mambo haya.
3. Anakasirika ukikosa kumtumia text ya good night lakini yeye akikosa wewe inabidi uwe muelewa.!
Tuwaeleweje, Baba?
4. Ana viatu zaidi ya pea 50 lakini hana viatu vya kuvaa vya kwenda ibadani.
Mungu uwasamehe
5. Akianza kuvaa saa moja atamaliza saa tano muda wote inabidi umsubiri tu.
Si kupenda kwao Baba ila nasi yanatushinda Bwana
6. Akienda saloon anakaa kuanzia asubuhi mpaka jioni na huna budi kumsubiri na usilalamike.
Mungu wetu, tupe moyo wa kuyahimili haya
7. Ana mafuta tofauti ya kujipaka mikono, shingo, kisogo, miguu, mpaka kisigino!
Ee Mungu ni Wewe uyajuaye mateso tuyapitiayo Baba
8. Mnaachana asubuhi akiwa na furaha,na ukirudi jioni amenuna hataki hata kukusalamia na ukiuliza tu balaa.
Tupe uvumilivu ee Bwana!
9. Anajaribu ku match nguo na hereni na akiona hazifanani abadili nguo sababu tu ya hereni.
Teremka uwashike mikono yao baba..
10. Mkitembea barabarani inabidi ukae upande wa barabara eti wewe ni Mwanaume ukigongwa na Gari haina noma.
Eeh baba tuepushe na Hiki kikombe ulisema hawa ni wasaidizi wetu lakini tumekuja kuwa wafanyakazi wao.
Amina..
VALENTINE SAY.
if u see your sister stay at home during valentine day, you must know she date with someone husband
mjini chuo
Jamaa mmoja alikosea
kutuma M-pesa Tshs
500,000/ =zikaenda
namba nyingine
alipogundua kakosea
namba akatuma meseji
ifuatayo kwenye namba
iyo"UMETEULIWA KUINGIA
KATIKA CHAMA CHETU CHA
FREEMASON NA
TUMESHAKUTUMIA PESA
KWENYE CM YAKO BAADA
YA DAKIKA 15 ATAKUFA
MWANAO UMPENDAE KAA
NJIA PANDA GARI YETU
NYEUSI ITAKUFUATA UJE
UNYWE DAMU YA
MWANAO KAMA
UTASHINDWA MASHARTI
RUDISHA PESA YETU
HARAKA SANA KABLA YA
MAAFA."
Baada ya dakika
1 tu jamaa akarudisha
hela kwa kushindwa
mashart
Ways of breaking up with your lover before Valentine
1. 16 Missed Calls? You Killed My Battery so you?re Capable of Killing Me... It's Over!!!
_
2. You don't even respect me. I'm talking and you are busy breathing? It's over!
_
3. I called you and you picked up immediately. You lack patience. It?s over!!
_
4. I told u I love my food hot but you refused to warm the ice cream. You don't care about me. It's over!
_
5. I gave u 2 eggs, to boil one and fry the other. You fried the one you were supposed to boil and boiled the one you were supposed to fry. You are not obedient, It?s over!
_
6. I call u DARLING and you called me HONEY. Indirectly, you?re calling my mother a BEE. No respect for in- laws, pack your bags. its over.
Hapa kazi ipo
Familia moja ilikubaliana kuweka ratiba ya kila mwanafamilia kuchagua chakula cha kupika siku
SIKU YA KWANZA
baba- leo tule wali samaki,ukapikwa wali samaki
SIKU YA PILI
mama- leo tule mtori nyama, ukapikwa mtori nyama
SIKU YA TATU
mtoto (miaka 3) - tule ubuyu....baba na mama wakabaki wanatazaman usoni
SIKU YA KWANZA
baba- leo tule wali samaki,ukapikwa wali samaki
SIKU YA PILI
mama- leo tule mtori nyama, ukapikwa mtori nyama
SIKU YA TATU
mtoto (miaka 3) - tule ubuyu....baba na mama wakabaki wanatazaman usoni
Valentine day
WAKUBWA TU WATAELEWA.....
FASIHI HII.....
Wanawake mmejaaliwa kuwa na LAPTOP zinazopendeza saanaa na laptop zenu zina port kwa ajili ya kuingizia EXTERNAL data msiruhusu kila FRASH DISK kuingia kwenye PORT zenu,Flash zingine zina VIRUS maana hamjui zimetoka wapi kwenye ma internet cafe TUNZENI laptop zenu mpaka mtakapo miliki FRASH DISK zenu ambazo mtakuwa mnauhakika kwamba hazina virus, na kama ushamiliki itunze vizuri usii na iwe kwa matumizi yako tuu vinginevyo.
WANAUME tunzeni FRASH DISK zenu kuna laptop kwa nje zinaonekana ni NZURI kweli na zinavutia lakini hazijafanyiwa window updates kwa muda mrefu na hazina ANTVIRUS sio kila laptop unachomeka tu utajikuta umepoteza mafaili yako yathamani yatakapo liwa na VIRUS
NAJUA flash zinapenda sana kuingia kwenye kila laptop lakini ni vema mkazicontrol mpaka pale mtakapomiliki laptop zenu binafsi na kama ushamiliki yako basi hakikisha unailinda sana.
Ni kweli zimetengenezwa kutumika na flash inaenea kila port lakini pia laptop inafit kila flash....je, unauhakika ziko salama!!
subiri umiliki yako na kabla hujaitumia kaiscan kuthibitisha usalama wa laptop au flash yako. tanx......
Happy Valentine day 2016
FASIHI HII.....
Wanawake mmejaaliwa kuwa na LAPTOP zinazopendeza saanaa na laptop zenu zina port kwa ajili ya kuingizia EXTERNAL data msiruhusu kila FRASH DISK kuingia kwenye PORT zenu,Flash zingine zina VIRUS maana hamjui zimetoka wapi kwenye ma internet cafe TUNZENI laptop zenu mpaka mtakapo miliki FRASH DISK zenu ambazo mtakuwa mnauhakika kwamba hazina virus, na kama ushamiliki itunze vizuri usii na iwe kwa matumizi yako tuu vinginevyo.
WANAUME tunzeni FRASH DISK zenu kuna laptop kwa nje zinaonekana ni NZURI kweli na zinavutia lakini hazijafanyiwa window updates kwa muda mrefu na hazina ANTVIRUS sio kila laptop unachomeka tu utajikuta umepoteza mafaili yako yathamani yatakapo liwa na VIRUS
NAJUA flash zinapenda sana kuingia kwenye kila laptop lakini ni vema mkazicontrol mpaka pale mtakapomiliki laptop zenu binafsi na kama ushamiliki yako basi hakikisha unailinda sana.
Ni kweli zimetengenezwa kutumika na flash inaenea kila port lakini pia laptop inafit kila flash....je, unauhakika ziko salama!!
subiri umiliki yako na kabla hujaitumia kaiscan kuthibitisha usalama wa laptop au flash yako. tanx......
Happy Valentine day 2016
Simba na jamaa
Baada ya maisha magumu jamaa kaenda kuomba kazi hifadhi ya wanyama,alipofika wakamwambia kazi ambayo wanaweza kumpa ni kazi ya yeye kujifanya sokwe pindi wanapokuja watalii.Kutokana na maisha magumu jamaa akakubali bhasi akakabidhiwa ngozi ya sokwe ili aivae.Siku walipokuja watalii banda la sokwe likawekwa juu ya banda la simba na jamaa ikatakiwa aingie ndani ya banda hilo,watalii walivofika jamaa akaanza kujirusha kwa nguvu zote kama sokwe ili kuwafurahisha watalii,kwa bahati mbaya mbao zilizokuwa zinatenganisha kati ya simba na banda lake zikavunjika na jamaa aadumbukia ndani ya banda la simba.Kwa uoga jamaa akaanza kupiga kelele za kuomba msaada kwamba yeye ni binadamu,kwa mshangao akaona simba akimziba mdomo kisha akamwambia " oya mbona unakuwa muoga ivo?, hebu tulia sisi sio simba ni binadamu kama wewe."
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