Sera ya mapenzi kwa vipindi tofauti..!
Miaka ya:1986-1990.Ukimtongoza binti,alikuwa akijibu "nimekubali ila usimwambie mtu..!
miaka ya :1991-1995.walikuwa wakijibu "nimekubali lakini namwogopa Baba na mama atakuwa..!
Miaka ya :1996-2000.walikuwa wakijibu "nimekubali lakini sitaki kufanya mapenzi mpaka unioe..!"
miaka ya :2001-2005.walikuwa wakijibu "nimekubali lakini tutumie condom..!
Miaka ya :2006-2010.walikua wakijibu"pesa yako 2,maneno sitaki..!
balaa liko hapa..!
mwaka:2011-2015. wanajibu "nimekubali lakini haupo peke yako..!
Je, kipi kipindi kizuri kati ya Ivi??
Miaka ya:1986-1990.Ukimtongoza binti,alikuwa akijibu "nimekubali ila usimwambie mtu..!
miaka ya :1991-1995.walikuwa wakijibu "nimekubali lakini namwogopa Baba na mama atakuwa..!
Miaka ya :1996-2000.walikuwa wakijibu "nimekubali lakini sitaki kufanya mapenzi mpaka unioe..!"
miaka ya :2001-2005.walikuwa wakijibu "nimekubali lakini tutumie condom..!
Miaka ya :2006-2010.walikua wakijibu"pesa yako 2,maneno sitaki..!
balaa liko hapa..!
mwaka:2011-2015. wanajibu "nimekubali lakini haupo peke yako..!
Je, kipi kipindi kizuri kati ya Ivi??
Chezea ndoa wewe..!
Mchepuko. Baby unanipenda?
Mshikaji:
Wewe ndiyo kila kitu kwangu. Na wewe je unanipenda?
Mchepuko: yaani kwako siambiwi kitu, mahaba niue nakupenda mpaka naumwa.
Mshikaji: Thanks my Onyienye.
Mchepuko:
Baby nikuombe kitu.?
Mshikaji:
Omba chochote bby kwa ajili yako nitafanya...
Mchepuko:
Promise Baby.!
Mshikaji:
I promise darling.
Mchepuko:
Naomba leo uniweke kwenye profile whatsup.
Mshikaji:
Hilo tu mbona dogo sana nakuweka sweetheart. Ila je, na mimi nikikuomba kitu utakubali ?????
Mchepuko:
Thanks love ndiyo maana nakupenda. wewe tena omba honey hata ukitaka mapacha ntakuzalia.
Mshikaji:
Naomba nkiweka picha yako status niandike R.I.P??.
Mchepuko: Mwanaharamu wewe weka picha ya mamako ndo uandike huo ushuzi wako kafiri wewe mwana izaya usiye na haya.. mfyuuuuu??????
Mchepuko. Baby unanipenda?
Mshikaji:
Wewe ndiyo kila kitu kwangu. Na wewe je unanipenda?
Mchepuko: yaani kwako siambiwi kitu, mahaba niue nakupenda mpaka naumwa.
Mshikaji: Thanks my Onyienye.
Mchepuko:
Baby nikuombe kitu.?
Mshikaji:
Omba chochote bby kwa ajili yako nitafanya...
Mchepuko:
Promise Baby.!
Mshikaji:
I promise darling.
Mchepuko:
Naomba leo uniweke kwenye profile whatsup.
Mshikaji:
Hilo tu mbona dogo sana nakuweka sweetheart. Ila je, na mimi nikikuomba kitu utakubali ?????
Mchepuko:
Thanks love ndiyo maana nakupenda. wewe tena omba honey hata ukitaka mapacha ntakuzalia.
Mshikaji:
Naomba nkiweka picha yako status niandike R.I.P??.
Mchepuko: Mwanaharamu wewe weka picha ya mamako ndo uandike huo ushuzi wako kafiri wewe mwana izaya usiye na haya.. mfyuuuuu??????
Jamaa alienda kutoa posa kwa nyumbani kwa wazazi wa mwanamke,alivofika mambo yalikuwa kama ifuatavyo;
BABA MKWE;Mbona unaongea na sisi uku unatafuna big g
JAMAA;Samahani,ninatafuna ili nitoe harufu ya konyangi niliyokunywa
MAMA MKWE;Heeeh..unakunywa pombe??
JAMAA;Ndio,nilijifunza kipindi nilipo acha kuvuta bangi
BABA MKWE;Ulishawahi kuvuta bangi??
JAMAA;Ndio,kipindi nilipokuwa gerezani
MAMA MKWE;Na gerezani kumbe umeshawahi kwenda?
JAMAA;Ndio nilienda miaka kumi iliyopita kwa kosa la kuua
BABA MKWE;Kumbe wewe ni muuaj?
MAMA MKWE:Kwa nini uliamua kuua??
JAMAA;Niliua wazazi wa binti niliyekuwa nampenda kwa sababu hawakutaka nioe binti yao,ila kwa bahati mbaya binti alijinyonga wakati niko gerezani.Sasa nilivotoka ndio nikampenda binti yenu.
BABA MKWE;Ooooh..kumbe ndo ivo,haina shida baba,binti yetu yule mchukue hatuitaji hata posa wala mali yako.
BABA MKWE;Mbona unaongea na sisi uku unatafuna big g
JAMAA;Samahani,ninatafuna ili nitoe harufu ya konyangi niliyokunywa
MAMA MKWE;Heeeh..unakunywa pombe??
JAMAA;Ndio,nilijifunza kipindi nilipo acha kuvuta bangi
BABA MKWE;Ulishawahi kuvuta bangi??
JAMAA;Ndio,kipindi nilipokuwa gerezani
MAMA MKWE;Na gerezani kumbe umeshawahi kwenda?
JAMAA;Ndio nilienda miaka kumi iliyopita kwa kosa la kuua
BABA MKWE;Kumbe wewe ni muuaj?
MAMA MKWE:Kwa nini uliamua kuua??
JAMAA;Niliua wazazi wa binti niliyekuwa nampenda kwa sababu hawakutaka nioe binti yao,ila kwa bahati mbaya binti alijinyonga wakati niko gerezani.Sasa nilivotoka ndio nikampenda binti yenu.
BABA MKWE;Ooooh..kumbe ndo ivo,haina shida baba,binti yetu yule mchukue hatuitaji hata posa wala mali yako.
Picha ya moyo yazua balaa
Siku moja mwalimu wa sayansi aliingia darasani na kuchora picha ya moyo ubaoni,kwa kuwa hakuwa mchoraji mzuri ikabidi awaulize wanafunzi wake;
Mwalimu;Hebu niambieni ni picha ya nini hiyo ubaoni??
Wanafunzi;(kwa pamoja),ni picha ya MATAKO mwalimu.
Mwalimu;(Uku kachukia),eti john hiyo picha ubaoni ni ya nini?
John;Ni picha ya matako mwalimu;
Mwalimu akatoka uku akiwa kafura hasira hadi kwa mwalimu mkuu,akamweleza kuwa watoto wanaleta mzaha wakati yeye anafundisha.Mkuu wa shule pamoja na mwalimu wa sayansi wakaondoka pamoja hadi darasani;
Mkuu wa shule;Enhee,mwalimu hawa watoto unasema wanaleta matatizo gani??
Mwalimu;Nilikuwa nawauliza hiyo picha ubaoni wakawa wananidhihaki,
Mkuu wa shule;(uku akiiangalia picha kwa hasira),haya nyie watoto hebu niambieni nani kachora picha ya MATAKO ubaoni. kabla sijawatembezea fimbo sasa ivi?
Wanafunzi;(kwa pamoja),MWALIMU WA SAYANSI NDIO KACHORA.
Mwalimu;Hebu niambieni ni picha ya nini hiyo ubaoni??
Wanafunzi;(kwa pamoja),ni picha ya MATAKO mwalimu.
Mwalimu;(Uku kachukia),eti john hiyo picha ubaoni ni ya nini?
John;Ni picha ya matako mwalimu;
Mwalimu akatoka uku akiwa kafura hasira hadi kwa mwalimu mkuu,akamweleza kuwa watoto wanaleta mzaha wakati yeye anafundisha.Mkuu wa shule pamoja na mwalimu wa sayansi wakaondoka pamoja hadi darasani;
Mkuu wa shule;Enhee,mwalimu hawa watoto unasema wanaleta matatizo gani??
Mwalimu;Nilikuwa nawauliza hiyo picha ubaoni wakawa wananidhihaki,
Mkuu wa shule;(uku akiiangalia picha kwa hasira),haya nyie watoto hebu niambieni nani kachora picha ya MATAKO ubaoni. kabla sijawatembezea fimbo sasa ivi?
Wanafunzi;(kwa pamoja),MWALIMU WA SAYANSI NDIO KACHORA.
MWANAMKE YUKOJE?
BABA NIFUNDISHE KUHUSU
WANAWAKE
"Nikufundishe nini
mwanangu kuhusu wanawake? Baba yako nimezeeka ghafla nikiwa na ufahamu mdogo na
mwanangu umeshakua kiasi cha kuhitaji elimu hii adhimu, nikupe neno gani?,
labda hivi,
1.KUHUSU TAMAA ZAO.
1.KUHUSU TAMAA ZAO.
-Mwanamke yeyote anaweza
kukutamani kimapenzi isipokuwa Mama yako.
2. KUHUSU HULKA ZAO.
-Wanawake wote huonesha upendo wao waziwazi isipokuwa wale waliotendwa kabla.
3.KUHUSU KUACHANA.
-Mwanaume kumuacha mwanamke anayempenda ni kama simba kuacha kula swala, Mwanamke kumuacha mwanaume ni rahisi kama swala kumkimbia Simba mzee.
4.KUHUSU TABIA.
-Jihadhari na maneno ya vijiweni kwamba wanawake wote wako sawa kitabia. No, lakini kumbuka hakuna Mwanamke asie Mwanamke.
5. KUHUSU MPENZI WA ZAMANI.
-Kujaribu kumsahau mwanamke uliyewahi kumpenda ni kama kumkumbuka mtu usiyemjua. Ni ngumu.
6. KUHUSU KUOA.
-Muhimu kuoa, na ni ngumu sana Kumjua mke mwema kabla ya kuoa, ni waigizaji wazuri sana. Kumbuka maneno ya Albert. " Muhimu kuoa, ukipata mke mwema utakuwa na furaha, ukipata mke mwovu utakuwa mwanafalsafa.
7. KUHUSU USALITI.
-Vizuri kujiandaa kisaikolojia kusalitiwa, la usipojiandaa ama waweza kuua mtu au hata kujiua. ukiua mtu maisha yako yatakosa furaha siku zote, ukijiua mwenyewe, hao waliokusaliti wanaweza kuishi kwa furaha zaidi ya ulivyokuwa hai.
8.KUHUSU PESA NA MAPENZI.
-Mapenzi bila pesa yanapatikana kwa wingi sana huko mbinguni, hapa duniani ni ngumu mno, lakini usihofu sana, kuna makubaliano bila pesa. Omba mungu.
9. KUHUSU UONGO.
-Wahenga walisema Ukweli unauma, Na mimi nakuambia "Uongo unaua"
10. KUHUSU KUWAJUA WANAWAKE.
-Ewe mwanangu, kutaka kumjua mwanamke unahitaji miaka mingi ya kuishi kuliko idadi ya nywele zao. Usihangaike na vitabu, makala, majarida, filamu, nyimbo na hotuba za wanaofundisha mandhari za wanawake. Kuna kanuni moja tu ya kupenda, " ili ubaki salama katika kupenda sharti ujipende kwanza".
...Basi mwanangu hayo ndio machache naweza kukuhusia, na wewe una nafasi ya kujifunza zaidi na kufundisha kwa ufanisi zaidi kuliko Mimi..
2. KUHUSU HULKA ZAO.
-Wanawake wote huonesha upendo wao waziwazi isipokuwa wale waliotendwa kabla.
3.KUHUSU KUACHANA.
-Mwanaume kumuacha mwanamke anayempenda ni kama simba kuacha kula swala, Mwanamke kumuacha mwanaume ni rahisi kama swala kumkimbia Simba mzee.
4.KUHUSU TABIA.
-Jihadhari na maneno ya vijiweni kwamba wanawake wote wako sawa kitabia. No, lakini kumbuka hakuna Mwanamke asie Mwanamke.
5. KUHUSU MPENZI WA ZAMANI.
-Kujaribu kumsahau mwanamke uliyewahi kumpenda ni kama kumkumbuka mtu usiyemjua. Ni ngumu.
6. KUHUSU KUOA.
-Muhimu kuoa, na ni ngumu sana Kumjua mke mwema kabla ya kuoa, ni waigizaji wazuri sana. Kumbuka maneno ya Albert. " Muhimu kuoa, ukipata mke mwema utakuwa na furaha, ukipata mke mwovu utakuwa mwanafalsafa.
7. KUHUSU USALITI.
-Vizuri kujiandaa kisaikolojia kusalitiwa, la usipojiandaa ama waweza kuua mtu au hata kujiua. ukiua mtu maisha yako yatakosa furaha siku zote, ukijiua mwenyewe, hao waliokusaliti wanaweza kuishi kwa furaha zaidi ya ulivyokuwa hai.
8.KUHUSU PESA NA MAPENZI.
-Mapenzi bila pesa yanapatikana kwa wingi sana huko mbinguni, hapa duniani ni ngumu mno, lakini usihofu sana, kuna makubaliano bila pesa. Omba mungu.
9. KUHUSU UONGO.
-Wahenga walisema Ukweli unauma, Na mimi nakuambia "Uongo unaua"
10. KUHUSU KUWAJUA WANAWAKE.
-Ewe mwanangu, kutaka kumjua mwanamke unahitaji miaka mingi ya kuishi kuliko idadi ya nywele zao. Usihangaike na vitabu, makala, majarida, filamu, nyimbo na hotuba za wanaofundisha mandhari za wanawake. Kuna kanuni moja tu ya kupenda, " ili ubaki salama katika kupenda sharti ujipende kwanza".
...Basi mwanangu hayo ndio machache naweza kukuhusia, na wewe una nafasi ya kujifunza zaidi na kufundisha kwa ufanisi zaidi kuliko Mimi..
IJUE SIRI YA TATIZO LA NGUVU ZA KIUME
Asilimia kubwa la wanaume wameonekana wana tatizo la upungufu wa nguvu za kiume.Leo katika mada hii nitaeleza mambo ambayo husaidia kuondokana kabisa na tatizo hilo.
- Acha tabia ya kupiga punyeto;Tabia au mazoea ya kupiga punyeto yanamadhara makubwa sana wakati wa tendo la ndoa.Mwili wa mwanaume aliezoea kupiga punyeto au kujichua huathirika katika mfumo wa uzazi hasa misuri inayo ruhusu usambazaji wa damu kwenye uume kulegea na mwanaume kushindwa kusimamisha uume wake sawa sawa(90 DEGREE),au kusababisha mwanaume kuwahi kufika kileleni na kushindwa kuendelea na mchezo.
- Kula chakula bora;Chakula bora ni dawa na ni siri kubwa ya kuwezesha kuwa na afya bora na uwezo mkubwa wa kulishinda tatizo la nguvu za kiume kama wengi tunavoamini.Kila siku hakikisha unapata chakula bora kwa ajili ya kuwezesha mwili wako kuwa wenye afya njema na kuwa na uwezo wa kufanya kazi kifanisi hasa katika tendo la ndoa.Pata matunda na chakula cha kutosha kwa muda unaostahili.
- Mazoezi;Mazoezi pia ni siri kubwa ya kuondokana na tatizo la nguvu za kiume.Hapa siongelei kunyanyua vyuma,bali ni yale mazoezi ya kawaida yanayosaidia kujenga mwili.Mazoezi kama kukimbia,kuruka kamba,kuruka kichura,kupiga push-up.Pata mda wa kufanya mazoezi kila siku kwa dakika 20 na utaona mabadiliko katika mwili wako wakati wa tendo la ndoa.
- Pata muda wa kutosha wa kupumzika;Siri nyingine ni muda wa kutosha wa kupumzika.Tenga muda wa kupumzika baada ya kazi zako.Hakikisha unapata angalau masaa mawili kila siku ya kulala kama inawezekana.Mwili hufanya kazi kifanisi zaidi pindi mtu akiwa amepumzika,
- Zingatia elimu ya afya bora;Hapa nazungumzia elimu yeyote inayohusika na afya yako ni muhimu kuzingatia ili kujiweka katika mazingira mazuri zaidi,weka mazoea ya kwenda hospitalini kufanya uchunguzi wa mwili wako usisubiri mpaka uumwe ndo uende hospitali
Kwa kufanya hayo machache nina uhakika tatizo la nguvu za kiume litakuwa ni hadithi katika maisha yako,Nina imani utamsaidian na mwingine juu ya tatizo hili lenye kuleta aibu mbele ya mwezi wako na kujiona sio mwanaume kamili.Mpaka wakati mwingine tena kwaherini
Jamaa alivunjika mguu akaepelekwa hospitali;
DAKTARI: Imekuwaje mpaka ukavunjika mguu?
JAMAA: Miaka kumi iliyopita…
DAKTARI: Staki kujua hayo nataka kujua umevunjikaje mguu?
JAMAA: Dokta nisikilize kwanza, miaka kumi iliyopita nilikuwa nafanya kazi kwa bosi moja kule Uzunguni, siku moja binti yake mzuri sana akaja chumbani kwangu na kuniuliza kama nahitaji kitu chochote, nikamjibu sitaki, akarudia tena tena na kuniuliza tena kama sihitaji kitu chochote, mimi nikasema sihitaji kitu, akaondoka anacheka.
DAKTARI: Sasa hiyo inauhusiano gani na kuvunjika mguu?
JAMAA:Sasa leo nilipokuwa niko juu ya mnazi nagema, si ndio jibu likanijia kwanini yule mrembo alikuwa ananiuliza lile swali, ndio bahati mbaya nikajisahau nikaanguka na kuvunjika mguu
DAKTARI: Imekuwaje mpaka ukavunjika mguu?
JAMAA: Miaka kumi iliyopita…
DAKTARI: Staki kujua hayo nataka kujua umevunjikaje mguu?
JAMAA: Dokta nisikilize kwanza, miaka kumi iliyopita nilikuwa nafanya kazi kwa bosi moja kule Uzunguni, siku moja binti yake mzuri sana akaja chumbani kwangu na kuniuliza kama nahitaji kitu chochote, nikamjibu sitaki, akarudia tena tena na kuniuliza tena kama sihitaji kitu chochote, mimi nikasema sihitaji kitu, akaondoka anacheka.
DAKTARI: Sasa hiyo inauhusiano gani na kuvunjika mguu?
JAMAA:Sasa leo nilipokuwa niko juu ya mnazi nagema, si ndio jibu likanijia kwanini yule mrembo alikuwa ananiuliza lile swali, ndio bahati mbaya nikajisahau nikaanguka na kuvunjika mguu
Baada ya uchaguzi mgombea aliyeshindwa kwa kura alikutwa
akilalamika kuwa wamemwibia kura.Mazungumzo yalikuwa kama ifuatavyo;
Mgombea:Huu uchaguzi wamenionea,wameniibia kura?
Mwananchi:Kwa nini unasema wamekuibia kura??
Mgombea:Ni kwa sababu watu wanaonipa pole ya kushindwa ni
wengi kuliko walionipa kura.
Mwananchi;Akakimbia mazungumzo.
One day Anna(24) was watching telvesion with her young
brother Tommy(7),and they started talking.
Anna;I hope one day I shall find my dream boyfriend
Tommy;What kind of men you wish to have??
Anna:A man who point me where to sit,a man who handle lot of
cash
Tommy,If is that why are ignoring James?he is bus
conductor,are you blind or?
Anna:Got faint.
IS IT TRUE??
1.When your life is in darkness,pry to God and ask him to
free you from darkness…and if your in darkness please pay your electric bill.
2.When a man open a door of his car for his wife, you can be
sure of one thing.Either car is new or his wife
3.What is difference between stress,tension and panic?.
Tension is when wife is pregnant,Stress is when girlfriend
is pregnant and Panic is when both of them are pregnant.
4.Grammer eacher:Do you know the important of period?
Student;Yeah,once my sister said she had miss once,my mom
got faint,my dad got heart attack and our driver ran away.
5.Son;Dad what is
difference between confidential and confident.
Dad:You’re my son am confident abot that,your friend over
thre is my son but am confidential .
Polisi watatu walienda nyumbani kwa mvuta bangi,wakakuta amefunga mlango na mwzungumzo yao yalikuwa iv;
Polisi;hodii humu ndani
Mvuta bangi;nani??
Polisi;Sisi polisi
Mvuta bangi;Mnasemaje usiku huu?
Polisi;Tunataka kuongea na wewe
Mvuta bangi;kuongea na mim?kwani mko wangapi?
Polisi;ndio,tuko watatu
Mvuta bangi;Kama mko watatu basi ongeeni nyie wenyewe nilizani uko peke ako nije tupige stori,mimi saizi nalala......usiku mwema
Polisi;hodii humu ndani
Mvuta bangi;nani??
Polisi;Sisi polisi
Mvuta bangi;Mnasemaje usiku huu?
Polisi;Tunataka kuongea na wewe
Mvuta bangi;kuongea na mim?kwani mko wangapi?
Polisi;ndio,tuko watatu
Mvuta bangi;Kama mko watatu basi ongeeni nyie wenyewe nilizani uko peke ako nije tupige stori,mimi saizi nalala......usiku mwema
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!" The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
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