KWA HILI ELIMU INAHITAJIKA KWA KASI KUBWA

 Juzijuzi nilimtebelea rafiki yangu ambaye anajitahidi kuishi kama wale anaowaona kwenye Luninga, sasa yeye ana kavulana kake kako nasari, nako anakalea kama vile vitoto vya kwenye Luninga, mwenyewe anakaita junia sijui junia ndio hivyo hivyo, na kwa vile kule nasari kamejifunza kutamka Dadi and Mami badala ya baba na mama, jamaa yangu anajiona mjaaaanja, basi Kabwamdogo hako hakakaripiwi wala kukatazwa chochote.

Nilipata taarifa kuna siku kalimvua baba yake taulo alipokuwa katoka bafuni tena mbele za watu, jamaa akaishia kusema tu, "No Junia no...! is bad!? Na kucheka cheka huku akisifu, "Tatizo la huyu mtoto ni ana akili za kikubwa? Ene wei siku hiyo jamaa akanikaribisha kwake, basi kwa kweli ilikuwa kero, mara Junia kaleta mpira anaupiga mbele yetu anaangusha vitu, anatupiga usoni na mpira anaangaliwa tu, "Junia no!", anapanda meza mara kabati, jamaa yangu na mke wake utadhani wamelogwa, wanakenua tu meno, "No Junia no" Mara mbili hivi kakaniparamia na kutaka kunivua miwani yangu, 'Kwa ustaarabu wa nyumba ile na mie nikatoa ya kinafiki, 'No Junia no'.

Bahati nzuri mama Junia akaingia jikoni, Baba Junia akaenda chumbani kidogo, sebuleni tukabaki mimi na hiki kidude kisichokuwa na chembe ya adabu. Si kikaanza vimaswali vya maudhi...! "Leo umekuja kula kwetu?" "Kwenu mna TV? Babako anakuleteaga chokoleti?" Kikawa mara kivunje kikombe mara glasi, mama yake anapiga kelele toka jikoni, "Junia yu a veri bed". Sasa chenyewe si kikakosea kikanipanda kichwani na kuanza kunivuta nywele nikaona sasa hii zereu.

Basi nilikishika mkono nikakitolea macho na kukifinya vizuri mgogongoni. Kwanza kilitoa macho kama kinataka kufa, kikaniangalia hakiamini akili yake kuwa kimefinywa na binadamu aliye hai, na mie nikakiambia kwa sauti ya chinichin... "We Junya ukinisogelea tena nakukata masikio kabisa".

Eeh bwana we kilitimka mle sebuleni mkojo unakitirirka kikaelekea jikoni. Kufika huko nilitegemea kianze kulia kwa nguvu, kikawa kimya. Mama yake anakiuliza "Junia umefanya nini tena baba?" kimya "Junia what has happened?" kimya, mama yake akaja huku chenyewe kimejificha nyuma ya gauni la mamake, "Huyu kafanya nini?" Nikajibu kwa sauti ya mtu asiye na dhambi kabisa... "Wala sijui nimeona tu katimka hapa kaja huko".

Baada ya hapo kukawa na displin mle ndani tukala na kuzungumza bila fujo. Baba Junia kila mara akimwangalia mwanae na kumuuliza, "Junia a yu sik? Unaumwa?" Junia akinitupia jicho mwenyewe alikuwa ananyamaza anajua kuna kukatwa masikio.

Wengine hatuangaliagi Luninga ohooo!

Jamaa mmoja kakodi taxi akiwa anatembea katika jiji mara akapita kipenda cha gest

Moja akamuona mkewe akiingia ndani ya gest.

Jamaa akamwambia dereva simama, jee..? Unataka laki tatu za chap chap..?

Dereva akajibu ndio, Jamaa akamwambia nenda mle gest kamtoe mke wangu picha yake hii hapa

Tena uwe unampiga, mateke, vichwa, makofi mpaka ufike nae hapa

Dereva akaingia gest ile kutoka anakuja na mwanamke mwingine na kichapo kinaendelea.

Jamaa

Kaduwaa na kusema we vipi mbona huyu sio yeye..?

Dereva akajibu huyu mke wangu, Subiri nitakwenda kumtoa na wa kwako pia...!

`

A man was shocked to see his beautiful divorced neighbor knocking on his door one Friday evening.

. "I'm feeling so lonely that I can't stand it." she said.

"I want to go out, get drunk & want to enjoy my life. Are you free tonight?"

"Yes!" he replied enthusiastically.

"Wonderful." she said.

"Then please take care of my kids..

Jamaa mmoja kakodi taxi akiwa anatembea katika jiji mara akapita kipenda cha gest

Moja akamuona mkewe akiingia ndani ya gest.

Jamaa akamwambia dereva simama, jee..? Unataka laki tatu za chap chap..?

Dereva akajibu ndio, Jamaa akamwambia nenda mle gest kamtoe mke wangu picha yake hii hapa

Tena uwe unampiga, mateke, vichwa, makofi mpaka ufike nae hapa

Dereva akaingia gest ile kutoka anakuja na mwanamke mwingine na kichapo kinaendelea.

Jamaa

Kaduwaa na kusema we vipi mbona huyu sio yeye..?

Dereva akajibu huyu mke wangu, Subiri nitakwenda kumtoa na wa kwako pia...!

`

A man was shocked to see his beautiful divorced neighbor knocking on his door one Friday evening.

. "I'm feeling so lonely that I can't stand it." she said.

"I want to go out, get drunk & want to enjoy my life. Are you free tonight?"

"Yes!" he replied enthusiastically.

"Wonderful." she said.

"Then please take care of my kids..

KIJANA NA MAENDELEO

kwa nini asilimia kubwa ya vijana tunashindwa kuwa na uwezo wa kujitegemea kuanzia umri wa miaka 24???,na je nini kifanyike kuweza kutatua hili tatizo???

Kwa ushauri,maoni, tuma kupitia: Tanzaniayangu31@gmail.com

Habari ya saizi wananchi wenzangu.Mimi ni mwanaume nina miaka 27 ni mkazi wa arusha,mnamo mwaka 2011 nilikutana na msichana (Ambaye ndio mchumba wangu),ilipofika mwaka 2013 tukabahatika kupata mtoto wa kiume.Sasa wazazi wa mwanamke hawataki mimi niishi na mtoto wao kwa sababu ya tofauti zetu za kidini,na mchumba wangu yeye anasema yuko tayari hata kubadili dini kwa ajiri yangu tatizo ni wazazi wake,na inafika mahali ndgu zake wananiombea mabaya ilimradi niachane na mtoto wao,sasa nimekuja kwenye ukurasa huu wa ushauri wako kuomba msaada wa mawazo mana imeshakuwa tatizo.

Habari ya saizi wananchi wenzangu.Mimi ni mwanaume nina miaka 27 ni mkazi wa arusha,mnamo mwaka 2011 nilikutana na msichana (Ambaye ndio mchumba wangu),ilipofika mwaka 2013 tukabahatika kupata mtoto wa kiume.Sasa wazazi wa mwanamke hawataki mimi niishi na mtoto wao kwa sababu ya tofauti zetu za kidini,na mchumba wangu yeye anasema yuko tayari hata kubadili dini kwa ajiri yangu tatizo ni wazazi wake,na inafika mahali ndgu zake wananiombea mabaya ilimradi niachane na mtoto wao,sasa nimekuja kwenye ukurasa huu wa ushauri wako kuomba msaada wa mawazo mana imeshakuwa tatizo.

Babu alikuwa anaongea na wajukuu zake na mazungumzo yao yalikuwa kama ifuatavyo
 Babu:Kabla ya siku 3 vita vya dunia kuisha mimi pamoja na rafiki zangu tulitekwa na maadui zetu,nusu yetu waliuawa na nusu waliobaki wakabakwa
 Mjukuu: Sasa babu wewe walikufanya nin?
 Babu;Mmmmmh...aah..et...nilikuwa kwenye kundi la wale waliouawa

Mwajiri: Elimu yako?

Muomba Kazi: Form 4

Mwajiri: Unajua English?

Muomba Kazi: Mimi naomba kazi ya ulinzi, hao wezi watakaokuja kuiba hapa ni wazungu?

*When you dating an educated and civilized woman who has class and ambition, you get texts such as these:*

1. Morning Dear, Hope you had a wonderful night. How are you today? Wake up get ready for work. Dont forget to send your application for the job I told you about yesterday.

2. Yes Darling, I miss you so much, i hope you're enjoying your day, I am heading out for lunch. Talk later. Take care of yourself. Love you!

3.Yes dear I am at the shop doing grocery for the house, next time I am coming with you.

4.Dont put yourself under pressure my love, i know you will achieve your goal, you have my full support.

*THEN THOSE WITH JUST A BIRTH CERTIFICATE*

1. Morning babe, send me some airtime, plz bae.

2. Hello sweet babez I am coming over for some pizza over lunch? And someone is selling nice perfumes can I take one plz. Luv u xoxoxo much.

3. Hey handsome, buy me data plz. Also wanted to tell you my neighbor is selling skinny jeans, nice shoes from USA and brazilian hair. You will let me know when you are ready to get me these. Loving u lots.

4.Me and my friends want to go to Cafe javas for drinks, I need some money.

5.baby I don't feel like reading, can we chat pliiiizz.

MARRIAGE AND BRIDE PRICE ACT No123 of 2016

Pride price must be Tzs 700,000 with the following

deductions.

Not educated - Tzs100,000

Not a virgin - Tzs 250,000

Comes with kids - Tzs 80,000 � (number of kids)

Can't clean - Tzs 80,000

Can't cook - Tzs 50,000

Unemployed - Tzs 70,000

Lazy - Tzs 50,000

Drunkard - Tzs 70,000

Artificial skin colour -Tzs 50,000

Artificial Bottom - Tzs 50,00

Artificial breast - Tzs 50,000

If the total comes to a negative amount, then

they must pay you for taking their burden...

No stories...

madem wa siku hizi

Unapewa number na dem alaf

anakuambia uwe unampigia saa 6 pekee,

unashindwa kuelewa na unajiuliza ni kwanini? kidogo kidogo

ukichunguza na unagundua amekusave

"alarm"....... 

Hahaha lugha ya mzungu

MKE: Mme wangu, hivi kumvalisha nepi mtoto kwa kingereza wanasemaje?

MME: Duh kweli nimeoa mke kilaza, unashindwa hata hio?

Mke: Jamani basi mwenzangu kipanga unaejua ngeli niambie.

MME:  Yani unashindwa kusema "KIDNAPPING"

Tcra -Tanzania

Baada ya mke kumtafuta mumuwe kwenye cm tangu jana usiku hapatikani akamua akirudi amuwekee mnuno.

Baada mume kuingia:

Mume: Baby mambo vipi?

Mke: Kimya ??

Mume: Nmekumisije.

Mke: Kimya ??

Mume: Chakula vipi?

Mke: Kimya ??

Mume: Uko sawa kweli?

Mke: Kimya ??

Baada ya kuona hakuna jibu akaanza akashika kichwa, "TCRA sasa huku mmefika mbali mmezima simu yangu tangu jana mmeona haitoshi naona mmeamua kumzima hadi mke wangu?"

Mke ilibidi aangue kicheko tu